Lois Bujold List
Incendiary Plots



THE POSTING WHICH STARTED IT ALL WAS FROM FOOLETERNAL:-

FE> AmyCat said (of "The Incendiary Cat Plot"):-

AC> It's a deep, dark secret so far... though the thought provokes a
AC> reaction from me! Anyone who would use
AC> cats as incendiaries deserves to be made closely acquainted with
AC> a few incendiary devices (NOT cats!) themselves...

FE> I altogether agree:

FE> It's a waste of perfectly good stir-fry meat.

FE> Mitch Hagmaier
FE> Quest Labs Department of Chinese Take-Out

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I, HAVING TOO MUCH FREE TIME, AND A COMPUTER, ON MY HANDS IN SHANNON AIRPORT WITH A CONTINUALLY RESCHEDULED FLIGHT (WHICH EVENTUALLY LEFT SIX HOURS LATE) RESPONDED WITH:-

From the internal evidence for a considerable number of ailurophiles in this group I do feel that the comment re Incendiary Cats:-

FE> It's a waste of perfectly good stir-fry meat.

is likely to produce a flame-war of sufficient intensity to cause the appearence of Stir-Fry Hagmeir or maybe Cajun Fooleternal at the Quest Labs Department of Chinese Take-Out.

I shall attempt to stir the troubled waters or pour oil on the flames by asserting that the whole issue is the result of a gargantuan misunderstanding and misspelling. Future postings will reveal the truth and, I hope, divert the cat crazed mobs converging on Quest Labs.

Just to start the diversion by talking about a different sort of small domestic quadruped, did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He lies awake all night wondering if there is a dog.

AND THEN CONTINUED WITH:-

THE INCENDIARY BAT PLOT

>And does anybody know what the Incendiary Cat Plot was?

It is actually a misprint, and in fact refers to events in WWII, not early Barrayaran history. Guided missiles being (virtually) unknown during most of WWII (V1 & V2 came very late in the war, and were not, in fact, terminally guided) one idea that was suggested was that if BATS were fitted with small incendiary packages and released over German towns they would roost in the roof spaces of buildings and start fires long after the air-raid was over. The idea was never used in the field - one of the experimental bats escaped and burnt down the quarters of the Officer Commanding the Research Establishment concerned and, despite this compelling evidence of the effectiveness of the idea, the project was squashed.

AND THE INCENDIARY FAT PLOT

>And does anybody know what the Incendiary Cat Plot was?

It is actually a misprint. The Emperor Caspian III was extremely fond of a traditional Irish breakfast of fried eggs, fried bacon, fried sausages, fried black pudding (if you don't know, don't ask - you don't WANT to know), fried white pudding (ditto) and fried potato cakes all served on fried bread. Sometimes (usually on Sundays) he had baked beans with it. This was a taste inherited from his mother, who came from the small, but at times influential, group of Barrayaran settlers of Irish origin. He insisted that this breakfast be cooked at the table so that it was served piping hot (and so that he could supervise the eggs - he liked the whites hard, but not crisp, and the yolks runny, but just beginning to thicken).

When Caspian upset the Council of Counts in the matter of his Black Pudding Legislation (which controlled the size AND QUANTITY of pieces of chopped pig fat in Barrayaran black pudding and was deeply resented by pork-producing counts as it limited their opportunities to reduce the proportion of more expensive ingredients in their black puddings) one Count Vorrabadash decided that, instead of waiting quietly for the Emperor to die of cholesterol poisoning, as indeed, and inevitably, happened a few years later, he would eliminate the Emperor and the loss of profits.

One day, when Count Vorrabadash was filling some hand grenades, he noticed that TNT looked remarkably like the beef dripping in which the Emperor's breakfast was habitually fried. This gave him the idea of replacing the dripping with a block of high explosive (not, in fact, TNT, which is not easily detonated by heat alone) which would explode as the breakfast cook attempted to melt it to fry the Emperor's eggs (he usually had three).

The plot would have been a resounding success had not the Emperor chosen to breakfast on the battlements on the morning of the plot. While carrying the breakfast ingredients onto the terrace the cook tripped over the cat (note for ailurophiles - the cat was not hurt, and was, in fact, made a [non-hereditary] count for its part in defeating the plot) and dropped the incendiary fat into the moat where it exploded, releasing the water to flood the adjoining highway where Count Vorrabadash was in his ground-car awaiting the explosion of the Emperor's breakfast-room. He was the only fatality.

AND THE INCENDIARY GAT PLOT

>And does anybody know what the Incendiary Cat Plot was?

It is actually a misprint. Count Voranradin was an afficionado of the works of Leslie Charteris, a thriller writer of the early and mid-twentieth century (Earth) whose most famous character was "The Saint", who attempted to redress the balance of justice in cases where the law was powerless - he robbed from the rich and gave to the poor (like Robin Hood before him). One of the Saint's associates in several of the novels was a character called Hoppy Uniatz who invariably referred to a firearm as a "gat", so when Count Voranradin undertook to assassinate the Emperor Rilian with a flamethrower he invariably referred to the weapon as "the incendiary gat" to reduce the chances of revealing the plot, which involved accompanying the Emperor on a hunting party and leading him past a cave where several of Count Voranradin's henchmen waited with the weapon.

During the Time of Isolation Barrayaran technology was insufficient to extract petroleum from Barrayar's few oil fields, which were almost all submarine ones, and ethanol was the normal liquid fuel.

Count Voranradin's henchmen were all of Russian extraction and regarded the fuel for the "incendiary gat" as a supply of free vodka laid on for their benefit. They were, of course, careful to replace anything that they drank with water so that the quantity was unaltered, and so, by the time the Emperor was finally lured to the cave, the gat's output was minimal and did little more than singe his whiskers, although it was restored to its full output before being turned on Count Voranradin and his henchmen.

Emperor Rillian, who had always considered Count Voranradin as a friend, was known for the rest of his life as Rilian the Disenchanted.

AND THE INCENDIARY GNAT PLOT

>And does anybody know what the Incendiary Cat Plot was?

It is actually a misprint. The Emperor Miraz, who was incomparably stupid and believed that fireflies were actually incendiary insects, caused his geneticists to cross an earth firefly with a very small native Barrayaran gnat in an endeavour to assassinate the entire Council of Counts by getting the gnats ensnared in their beards at a moonlight picnic and then burning them to death as they slept. (Miraz himself was clean-shaven and as bald as an egg.)

Since neither the geneticists, the counts, or, probably, even the gnats themselves believed it would work the project was allowed to go ahead with the knowledge of all parties. Miraz's disappointment, when all the counts appeared for an early breakfast without even the faintest evidence of scorching, severed his last tenuous hold on reality and for the rest of his interminable reign he was merely a powerless (and witless) tool of the increasingly powerful Council of Counts.

AND THE INCENDIARY HAT PLOT

>And does anybody know what the Incendiary Cat Plot was?

It is actually a misprint. The Emperor Tirian, who was a heavy smoker, narrowly escaped death when Count Vortash replaced his fur hat with one made out of nitrocellulose (guncotton) in the hope that he would accidently ignite it with his cigar. The hope was well-placed since the Emperor's old hat's ear flaps were grossly disfigured by cigar burns.

The plot misfired, literally, when the Count, bringing the hat to the Emperor on a very cold, dry, Winter day, stroked the Emperor's cat, Skimbleshanks, and became charged with static electricity. When he picked up the hat it was ignited by a spark and burned his hand off. The loss of his hand did not inconvenience him greatly since he lost his head shortly afterwards when Tirian had him fitted with another nitrocellulose hat and detonated it before the Council of Counts as an object lesson.

AND THE INCENDIARY JAT PLOT

There was no-one from the Indian sub-continent among the original immigrants to Barrayar and therefore no possibility of an Incendiary Jat Plot.

AND THE INCENDIARY MAT PLOT

>And does anybody know what the Incendiary Cat Plot was?

It is actually a misprint. The Countess Vorjadis was married to Andrew, the brother of the Emperor Drinian, and wishing to become Empress, replaced the doormat of the Emperor's apartment with one made of asterzine. The catalyst was placed in a puddle between the stables and the apartment so that the Emperor would carry it to the mat on his boots when he returned from his daily ride.

The plot misfired when Andrew, who was not a party to it, offered to fetch his brother's forgotten communicator and was destroyed in the ensuing explosion. The instigator of the plot went undetected, despite intensive detective work by Drinian's Police Chief, Maugrim, until a confession was found in the Countess Vorjadis' papers after her death.

AND THE INCENDIARY NAT PLOT

>And does anybody know what the Incendiary Cat Plot was?

It is actually a misprint. The Emperor Glenstorm acceded to the throne in his teens and spent far more time playing the few pieces of pre-isolation Earth jazz which had survived on Barrayar than governing the planet.

The Council of Counts, in an effort to attract his attention, caused to be forged a collection which they alleged to be the complete works of Nat King Cole and promised it to him when he had completed certain necessary legislative action.

This in fact compelled his attention to how badly he was neglecting Barrayar's affairs and he renounced distractions from his duties as Emperor and himself burnt the collection, unplayed, before the Council of Counts in expiation of his past derelictions.

AND THE INCENDIARY PAT PLOT

>And does anybody know what the Incendiary Cat Plot was?

It is actually a misprint. Patrick Vorhooligan, a count of Irish extraction, resident on Erin, a mild damp island on the west coast of one of the Barrayaran continents, had a flaming red hair and beard and a flaming hot temper and was generally known as "Incendiary Pat".

He plotted a rebellion against the Emperor Corin IV because of his rejection of his father's habit of eating enormous Irish breakfasts (Corin's father was Caspian III) which Vorhooligan felt was a slight to the Irish settlers of Barrayar.

He renounced the plot before it had come to fruition when Corin's geneticists developed a virus which exterminated the venomous snakes which had hitherto infested Erin, seeing in this accomplishment a reflection of the life of an earlier Irish saint. He confessed to, and was forgiven by, Corin and thereafter was a staunch supporter of the Emperor's right to eat whatever breakfast he pleased.

AND THE INCENDIARY RAT PLOT

>And does anybody know what the Incendiary Cat Plot was?

It is actually a misprint. In an effort to discipline the Council of Counts the Emperor Lune had his geneticists develop a breed of rat with a craving for copper and particularly conductive saliva. He intended that the Council Chamber be burned down, apparently by accident, when the released rats chewed the copper wiring and their saliva caused short circuits and fires.

The plot was defeated by the greed of Count Vorgumpas, who was addicted to limburger cheese and carried sandwiches to all the counts' meetings in a small copper box, which was an heirloom of his house. The combination of smelly cheese and copper was far more attractive than mere wiring and Count Vorgumpas, to his embarassment, found himself surrounded by ravenous rats during a meeting of the Council of Counts, thus revealing the plot and enabling the counts to force Lune to acquiesce in the notorious tightrope, trampoline and trapeze legislation which poisoned relationships between the Vor and the Commoners for the next two generations.

AND THE INCENDIARY TAT PLOT

>And does anybody know what the Incendiary Cat Plot was?

It is actually a misprint. The Empress Lasaraleen spent most of the Emperor Shasta's privy purse on the kitschest of kitsch ornaments which occupied every last square millimetre of every surface of the imperial apartments. She had banished the Emperor's cats because they might knock things down and she had started an affair with one of the Vor.

It was at this point that Shasta decided to get rid of her. He could not simply divorce her, since he needed the support of her father in the Council of Counts. Through intermediaries be bought a knick-knack shop not far from the Imperial Palace and had it stocked with just the sort of garbage the Empress liked. Soon she was spending much of her time there (and, to his relief, the Emperor was actually recovering some of the privy purse, since she spent it there rather than elsewhere).

In due time a consignment of particularly obnoxious tat arrived at the shop. The Empress was enchanted and bought a mountain of it. That night, while the Emperor was attending a dinner of the Imperial Guard, a timer went off in one of the pieces and within seconds the whole Imperial Apartment, and the Empress, were in flames.

The Emperor bore up well under his sad loss and married a go-go dancer the following year (to the scandal of many Vor matrons, who had had hopes for their daughters).

AND THE INCENDIARY VAT PLOT

>And does anybody know what the Incendiary Cat Plot was?

It is actually a misprint. VAT 69 is not, as is widely believed, the Pope's telephone number, but is a brand of Scotch whisky. During the time of isolation there were a few dozen bottles of VAT 69 in existence on Barrayar and they were conserved as an Imperial asset and used as a standard when local whisky was distilled and blended.

It was customary for the Emperor to be present when it became necessary to open another bottle from the dwindling supply, and to taste it to ensure that it was up to standard. The heir would also taste to endeavour to ensure continuity of standards.

In his early teens Prince Rhince, son of the Emperor Peridan, was an obnoxious practical joker. His father was a famous chilli afficionado whose ability to tolerate the hottest food was legendary, and Rhince was determined to find something that even the Emperor couldn't stomach.

His opportunity came with the discovery of wild habanero peppers growing in an unexplored equatorial region of Barrayar. He dried a large number of these and extracted the capsicain with alcohol and bottled the result in an old VAT 69 bottle which he carefully infiltrated into the tasting chamber when the next opening ceremony was due. The new bottle was opened and Prince Rhince was offered the first glass. While tasting he managed to exchange bottles so that the Emperor received concentrated extract of habanero instead of VAT 69. It WAS too strong even for the Emperor. The story that the top of the Imperial head actually lifted to release a smoke ring is probably untrue, but it is certain that he was speechless for some minutes. He then urbanely congratulated the Prince on his success as a practical joker and adjourned the tasting ceremony until his taste buds had recovered from their stunning.

He then took his son, and a riding crop, behind the Imperial stables and made Prince Rhince wince.

AND THE INCENDIARY WAT PLOT

>And does anybody know what the Incendiary Cat Plot was?

It is actually a misprint. During the Time of Isolation very little Earth history was remembered on Barrayar and what there was was garbled. Thus when a commoner, Fred Tyler, formed a plot to foment rebellion he took the name Wat Tyler, after the leader of the English Peasants' Revolt of 1381 A.D., but due to series of misunderstandings of the meaning of "peasant" he dressed his followers in brown feathers, with irridescent red and green ones about the head, which made them rather conspicuous to ImpSec.

When his followers were arrested he decided to follow the example of Guy Fawkes and blow up the Emperor and the Council of Counts in the Council Chamber. Finding gunpowder unobtainable he tried to burn down the council chamber and was discovered weeping in the Council Chamber cellar with a pile of oil-soaked rags and an empty match box.

The Emperor Trumpkin, who was in dispute with the Council of Counts at the time, declared that Tyler was more competent than any of them and made him Vor on the spot.

This forced the Council to be more co-operative but did not benefit Tyler, who was lynched by his own followers a week later for betraying the revolution.

AND VIRGINIA T. BEMIS ALSO SENT AN INCENDIARY WAT PLOT

>And does anybody know what the Incendiary Cat Plot was?

It was the Incendiary Wat Plot. The wat, an Ethiopian stew with enough pepper and other spices to clear your sinuses and blow the top of your head off, found its way into cookbooks brought by the early colonists. Emperor Brian was fond of it, and his distant cousin, Prince Bruce, decided that adding a little more pepper and some gunpowder would allow for literally blowing heads off. With the assistance of his henchmen, the Piranha Brothers, he infiltrated the palace kitchens, but the plot failed when the wat blew up too early--while still in the serving dish. After that, he tried a killer rabbit, but was foiled by Lord Vornotappearinginthisfilm, with the help of a Norwegian Blue Parrot that sacrificed its life for the good of Barrayar.

This is my theory, which is mine, and belongs to me, and what it is, too.

AND THE INCENDIARY YAT PLOT

>And does anybody know what the Incendiary Cat Plot was?

It is actually a misprint. Symond's Yat is a beauty spot in the Wye Valley on the English/Welsh border. It is a high outcrop above a loop in the river.

On Barrayar there is a Yat, known as Coriakin's Yat, which is formed of hard coal. During Count Vortumnus' Revolt against the Emperor Octesian it was planned to ignite Coriakin's Yat as a signal to the conspiritors' armies to converge on Vorbarr Sultana, a few miles downstream.

The plot was discovered and ImpSec stationed experienced firefighters near the Yat so that the blaze was extinguished before it was seen and the revolt fizzled out with the fire.

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AFTER THIS OUTPOURING THERE WAS, UNSURPRISINGLY, SOME COMMENT. MY REPONSES TO SOME OF THE POSTINGS APPEAR BELOW:-

Andrew Boulton says:-

AB> Some people have far too much free time...

but I would maintain that time spent on aircraft or in departure lounges awaiting long delayed flights is not free time but opportunity time. Would he have me spend it WORKING?

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Atham Z says:-

AZ> This man must write a book!

This man has - several - but they're about analog integrated circuits and only the unkind allege that they're science fiction.

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Maureen O'Brien says (of the missing Jat plot and the allegation of nobody of Indian ancestry on Barrayar):-

MO> So why WAS Ivan's dad's name Padma?

Touché!

She also asks why I have ignored the Incendiary DAT Plot, Brat Plot, Blat Plot, Flat Plot, Frat Plot, Lat Plot, Plat Plot, Plait Plot, Platte Plot, Prat Plot Stat Plot, Slat Plot and er.......

To report them all would have left no opportunities for later workers in the field. The Emperor over the Sea would not have approved. (Besides, the damn thing finally landed and I could go home.)


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